Wednesday, December 17, 2008


It's snowing right now. Has been all day, and probably most of last night. It doesn't normally snow down here (and when it does, almost never this much).

I hate snow.

I mean, there isn't really any time of year then I am comfortable with the climate, but spring is the only season that comes close. Winter is as far off the mark as you can get.

In downtown Vancouver, the presence of snow turns normally awful, ignorant drivers into a bunch of slipping, sliding, red-light-running, demolision derby contestants. If you thought your life was endangered in the rain while crossing the street (and it is, make no mistake), be aware that snowy, icy roads means now your life is also in danger on the sidewalk. And probably even in any shop or home that it situated streetside. If you work at a Starbucks on Granville street (or plan on getting your coffee there), I suggest you remain as far from the front doors as possible at all times. Try and put a few other customers between you and the windows - that way any shattering glass will impale them first, and any out-of-control cars careening through the storefront will plow into them, giving you something soft to bounce off of, if necessary.

But I digress.

My apartment is very cold. The bedroom is small, so the baseboard heater keeps it comfortable, but as soon as you walk out into the main area, it's like getting slapped in the face (and genitals) with a garbage bag filled with bricks of ice. My living room has a vaulted ceiling, and the master bedroom is off the loft upstairs. I have a huge bay window in the living room - single pane glass - which is roughly as effective at retaining heat as the vacuum of space.

I expect the outisde to be cold. That's why I try to avoid it at all costs. All I want is my tv, my computer, and enough fresh coffee to last me until the apocalypse (which, judging by the people I encounter when I do venture out, should be somewhere around the middle of next week).

But I need heat, too. I expect the interior of my fortress of solitude to be warm enough that I can walk around in my underwear without worrying that my manhood is going to withdraw all the way into my body in order to keep warm. And yet my first go at owning my own home has betrayed me (on many, many occasions beyond the heating issue).

Worst of all? My heating bills are enormous, and there is no indication that that money has been well spent!

Comedian Steven Wright said "I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month'." This is how I feel. I want to send my electricity bills back with a note explaining that as soon as the electricity does what it's supposed to, I'll be more than happy to pay for it. Until then, please send matches and firewood. I need to start a fire in my living room so I can thaw out my crotch.

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